chicken ramen

ape tits

brian sweeney hates them.

Worker #3116 to be a father (one of the best Corporate-Casual posts of all time)

the. best.

ajayne:

From: adoptchilduk@virgilio.it
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: Apr. 15, 2006 10:51 AM
Subject: Hello honest deaf,

Hello honest deaf,

My name is Rose Williams i work for the uk deaf government..in manchester,
i will really love to pass this information to you. Which i know i am convinced that you are really willing to take good care of 3 years old kids both boys .

Their mother and father came from unknown area and they live in uk..in 3
months ago their parents die and they left the some of 3,million pounds
with the Uk deaf Finance Department, which is Equivalent to $6,000,000.00.
The 2 deafs kids are been admitted in the hospital were doctor Benedict is
taking good care of them because they were included in the accident that
happen few months back, to God be the glory that they were not dead like
their parents.we shall love a good honest deaf or woman who can acept the2
kids and take good care of them and after 2 months the uk government
will always come to check after them..and such that person will be given the
3million pounds to take good care of the kids.Please write me back if you
are intrested so that we can proceed towards securing you all the documents.

Best Regards
Rose Williams

***

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: adoptchilduk@virgilio.it
Date: Apr. 16, 2006 01:30 PM
Subject: RE: Hello honest deaf,

Ms. Williams,

I’m going to put this as delicately as I can, but the way in which your email was written makes me question why you would be put in charge of finding a safe home for two children. Again, I mean no offense, but are you sure you’re up to the job? I mean, are you retarded, or what?

Anyway, I’m really not sure that I can take care of two three-year-old boys. Honestly, I don’t have any idea what would have given you the impression that it was a good idea. And they’re in England? I live in the USA, Rose, how is that going to work?

I’ve used a foreign currency exchange rate calculator on the sums you’ve provided, and at the current rate 3,000,000 pounds is actually just over 5,300,000 dollars, American. I don’t know about you, but a difference of 700,000 dollars is huge for me. It would really make a big difference in my decision of whether or not to raise these kids, so please let me know how that mistake was made and if the actual figure would be closer to 6,000,000 dollars.

And what is the UK Deaf Government? Deaf people have their own systems of government? What? Also don’t act like I just know who Dr. Benedict is because I don’t. Sorry, but it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine when people start talking about something as if I know about it when I don’t because it makes me feel stupid.

But whatever.
Send me the documents, I’ll look them over.
W3

***

From: info@adoptchilduk.org
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: Apr. 16, 2006 03:22 PM
Subject: Email received

Hello,

Your E-mail was well received and was approved by the United Kingdom Deaf
Organization. Every documents that will back you will be procured by Dr Bruse Wilson from the legal department of this office.

Note before we move further you will have to fill in the form below:

GET BACK TO ME WITH THE REQUIREMENTS:

Addrress………………………………………..
Home Phone………………………………………
Cell Phone………………………………………
Gender………………………………………….
And a photo of you ………………………………

As soon as we hear from you the lawyer will proceed towards providing you letter thet will help you take the kids and the fund.

N/B: The name of the two kids are (Wilson and Daniel) Attached is a picture of them.

Yours Sincerelly,
Rose Williams.

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: info@adoptchilduk.org
Date: Apr. 16, 2006 04:23 PM
Subject: Re: Email received

Rose,

Wow, those are some cute deaf kids. I’m sure they will be very happy in my apartment with me and my two gay roommates. Do they enjoy the Style network and cheap pizza? How about beer? Do they like beer, Rose?

I want to move forward with the adoption proceedings, obviously, but can I ask why you need a picture of me? Since when do looks determine one’s capacity to provide a loving home?

Also, I noticed you didn’t answer any of my questions. We’re talking about two human lives here, Rose, even if they are deaf. And I think it’s important on both of our parts to be as honest and open as possible to determine that Wilson and Daniel end up in the best living situation possible. So please explain to me why you think I’d make a good parent, how it will work that the kids are in the UK while I am in the United States, and finally, how come your last email was sent from an Italian email server? Is Deaf UK (oh yeah, what is Deaf UK, also? Is it still a government?) an international organization/government? I guess that would make sense.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Maybe I should get in touch with Wilson and Daniel, as well, to talk to them about what their expectations are once they get here.

Thanks, W3.

***

From: info@adoptchilduk.org
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: Apr. 17, 2006 07:00 AM
Subject: Contact the lawyer

Hello dear,

I got your E-mail and the info also. I will like to let you know that
after receiving your first response i held a meeting with the UK adopt
child online community, and have concluded in given you the baby and the
fund which the late parent of the baby left before their death.

To proceed further, you will have to contact Dr. Bruce Wilson the lawyer:
who will get you with an authorization letter that will back you to
contact the UK DEaf Organization to release the funds and the Baby to you
as the next caring parent of the two baby’s.

The contact of the lawyer:
Bruce Wilson Lawchambers
Dr. Bruce wilson
E-mail: e1960ebi@yahoo.com

Send him an E-mail requesting for an Authorization letter that will help
you get the baby in 24 Hrs.

I will wait for your Update.

Rose.

***

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
Date: Apr. 17, 2006 09:39 AM
Subject: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

Dr. Wilson,

In America, we don’t call our lawyers Doctor. Is this a peculiarity to the English judicial system? I’m very curious, and wikipedia doesn’t seem to explain this to me.

I’ve also got to admit, Dr. Wilson, that I am concerned about Rose. It’s not just her linguistic problems, but a total lack of awareness as well. As you very well know, we are dealing with two human lives. Two young, impressionable human lives, actually. I’ve asked numerous questions of Rose about how Deaf UK got my information and why everyone is so sure that I would be a good parent to them, but she hasn’t answered a single one. In fact, it seems like all I have to do is send an email to get moved further down the chain towards being a father.

Maybe things are different in the UK, or maybe it’s just that the UK doesn’t give a shit about deaf kids. Are the kids deaf? I don’t even know, I guess I just got confused by the whole “real deaf” thing. But seriously, I’m really surprised at the speed and ease of adopting two apparently wealthy children. No background check? No one’s worried that I’m going to just take the money and leave the kids on their asses?

Send me the letter. I can’t wait to fucking adopt these fucking kids.
W3

***

From: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: Apr. 17, 2006 10:31 AM
Subject: Re: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

ATTN:I GOT YOUR E-MAIL AND THE FOWARDED INFORMATIONS OF YOU FROM THE UK DEAF OFFICIAL CUSTODY. I WILL PROCEED IN GETTING YOU WITH EVERY DOCUMENTS YOU NEED, AND THE AUTHORIZATION LETTER ALSO THAT WILL ENHANCE YOU TO REACH WITH THE UK DEAF ORGANIZATIONS, AS WELL AS THEIR FULL CONTACT DETAILS.

BELOW IS THE REQUIREMENTS FROM YOU BEFORE DOCUMENTS WILL BE ISSUED OUT TO YOU.

1. YOUR DRIVER’S LICENCE OR YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT NUMBER.
2. WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW WHEATHER YOU ARE CAPABLE OF TAKING CAR OF THE KIDS AND ARE YOU A HONEST MAN?

AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU I WILL GO AHEAD IMMEDIATELY IN SECURING YOU WITH EVERY DETAILS YOU NEED.

BRUCE WILSON.

***

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
Date: Apr. 17, 2006 11:39 AM
Subject: Re: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

Mr. Wilson,

Nice to hear from you. I will tell you one thing right off the bat, this whole experience has been a real eye-opener. Not only has being faced with the prospect of fatherhood changed me as a man, but I’m also learning a lot about English culture. In America, an email in all-caps signifies I AM MAD AND I AM YELLING AT YOU WITH WORDS. But in England, it would seem, all-caps says I AM READY TO PUT THE LIVES OF TWO INNOCENT CHILDREN INTO YOUR HANDS, STRANGER! LET’S DO THIS!

As per your questions, I cannot answer the first one. Sorry. I hope this doesn’t mess things up, but I don’t have a driver’s license because where I live you can get pretty much everywhere on bicycle (which I think the kids are really going to love). Secondly, I’ve never had a need for a passport. If it means the difference between dedicating the rest of my life to two strange, but fabulously wealthy children under bizarre circumstances, I’d defintely be willing to consider applying for one. Let me know what you think.

As for the second question I can only provide you with a resounding “Yes!” I’m super honest, and I think I’m a good man, as well. I wish I had more I could offer you, like testimonials or some kind of tangible proof. Like, if I worked for Habitat for Humanity or something, that would be a really great example of how good and honest I am, right? But I don’t. I don’t actually volunteer anywhere. But that’s actually going to be a plus once the children come into my custody, because I’ll have all that free time to give to their proper rearing.

I’m looking forward to the next step in the process, as well as getting my hands on those kids’ money.

Thanks.
W3.

***

From: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: Apr. 17, 2006 01:02 PM
Subject: Re: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

HELLO DEAR,

I GOT YOUR E-MAIL RESPONSE AGAIN. YOU ARE ADVISED TO GET BACK TO THIS OFFICE WITH ANY ID OF YOU THAT INDICATES YOUR PERSONALITY OR YOUR PERSONAL ID COPY PHOTO, I WILL PROCEED FROM HERE AS SOON AS YOU ARE ABLE TO GET BACK TO THIS OFFICE WITH OUR REQUESTS.

LET ME HEAR FROM.

BRUCE.

***

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
Date: Apr. 17, 2006 01:32 PM
Subject: Re: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

Dear?

Whatever. We’re talking about two children’s lives, so I can’t be too frustrated with your weird British mannerisms. But also, why is your name Bruce but your email says Ernest? Again, I mean no offense, but since the security and well-being of two CHILDREN is at issue here, I’m surprised that your guys’s operation isn’t more up-to-code, so to speak.

Attached please find a copy of my identification. I didn’t send it earlier because I thought you could only use a driver’s license or a passport. I didn’t realize that something that simply showed my personality was sufficient. This displays my personality quite well. I also hope it’s not a problem that I’m black.

Send me the kids now.

***

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
Date: Apr. 18, 2006 09:42 AM
Subject: Re: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

Bruce?

Any word on when the kids will be arriving in the U.S. for me to pick them up? Thanks.

W3

***

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: e1960ebi@yahoo.com
Date: Apr. 20, 2006 10:10 AM
Subject: Re: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever

Bruce?

(source)

CPR/First Aid training today

this is seriously the best. and something i would do.

vela:

Trainer: Peg! What are you doing wrong?
Me: Uhm…was I suppose to do compressions first?
Trainer: YOUR HAND!
Me: I have to hold his chin!
Trainer: So stop placing your hand on his chest! Why do you keep doing that?
Me: Oh.. shit. I think it’s a habit when I touch a guy.
Trainer: Well it’s not going to help! He needs to breathe! He’s going to die!